Thanks to a vast underground network of investigators and Washington insiders, I’ve been able to get my hands on the unedited copy of President Obama’s State of the Union address which is planned for tomorrow.

While there isn’t enough room in these pages to repost the entire thing, I’ve decided to only include Obama’s list of goals for the remainder of his presidency.

A 10-Point Plan

As part of his plan to instigate real, lasting change in the cesspool that is Washington, Obama is putting forth a 10-point plan that he believes will put this nation back on track. Here’s how he will present it …

  •  “I will instruct congress to draft a bill that will initiate the complete dismantling of every government agency that exists only through violence and is funded by the theft of the American people.”
  •  “Tomorrow morning I will issue an executive order that mandates no federal body can regulate the sale, distribution or consumption of illegal drugs. As well, I am requesting that all members of congress join me on the front lawn of the White House tomorrow morning and join me in celebrating the end of the War on Drugs. Willie Nelson will be there with his band, his songs, and of course, some sweet organic bud he grew in Hawaii.”
  •  “In the spirit of liberty, I’m asking that the US. Supreme Court throw out any case regarding gay marriage. The federal government has no business in this matter and from this day forward will not spend one more penny entertaining this gay marriage nonsense. In fact, I’m requesting that governors from every state begin a transition away from the licensing of marriages. There is no valid reason for the government to have any say in who gets married. As well, the government has no business charging couples a fee to deem a marriage ‘official.’ Bottom line, if you have a problem with gay marriage, you must deal with this malfunction of your cerebral cortex without dragging the government into it.”
  •  “I also plan to request congress draw up a plan that’ll begin the process of auctioning off all roads and highways to private industry. All proceeds from the auction will be distributed to taxpayers.”
  •  “ I will ask congress to draft a bill that will outlaw the federal income tax.”
  •  “ I will ask congress to begin the process of completely dismantling the farm bill. As of today, it is nothing more than wishes and words dictated by special interests. It has no relevance in a free society. As well, as of today, all welfare payments to Big Ag are cut off. From this point forward, all those who choose to produce food in an economically and environmentally inferior way will also bare the burden of paying for their arrogance with their own profits and not the profits produced by the theft of the American people.”
  •  “As a favor to my good friend Jeff Siegel, I’m using my own money to open up a new libertarian sex club in the nation’s capitol called Atlas Shagged. Michelle and I will not be attending, but we welcome all perverts and freaks to enjoy a bit of free market fun with like-minded individuals.”
  •  “ I will ask congress to come up with a plan to bring all of our troops home right away. No longer will we bully or police the world. No longer will we violently spread a message of freedom and democracy. No longer will we use our soldiers to protect corporate interests both here and abroad. If any company wants to do business or extract resources from foreign lands, it must do so without using our soldiers as their personal bodyguards.”
  • “I will ask congress to dismantle the affordable care act. Sorry about that one. My bad.”
  • “Because I have been charged with the responsibility of protecting the U.S. Constitution, from this day forward, any and all laws that deny any U.S. citizen his or her constitutional rights will be revoked”

Just kidding!

The original version of this article can be found here.